o rly?
KTHX! .html
I used to think I was pretty good at painting. But then I took a real good look at some of my paintings and they're total crap. I mean, how stupid was I? To think I was good. Hah. Picasso and Van Gogh would be laughing at me. And they were psychos.
Well, actually, one of them was a bit crazy. I don't know anything about the other guy, but he painted some messed up stuff.
Anyway... I decided to take my 6 latest paintings and fix them up on the computer. I know they're crap, but with Photoshop, I was able to make them look okay.
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My first painting is of... Get this... A tree! I bet you've never
seen a painting of a
tree before. Such an amazing new concept. And
flowers? Oh, the originality.
Now this is more like it. Note the look of sadness in the tree's eye.
And the
expression on the lumberjack's face... Almost feeling guilty
because of the sad
expression of the tree. And the tree feeling
helplessly defeated. Brilliant.
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This is just crap. Wow, a butterfly. What is that under it? It
looks like a pathetic
attempt at abstract art.
If I'm going to do something stupid, I might as well do it right. I
could get famous
with this one. There's a lot of symbolism. If you
don't understand this piece,
you're simple minded, and good art is
above you.
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This piece is a little bit complicated. For the sky, I used a glassy
layer of boring,
and 5 minutes on the clouds. The bottom half
consists of a couple different
colors: a whole tube of "those do not
look like trees" green, and some "I don't
feel like spending my time
making this look good" for the grass.
I decided to look for inspiration from the 70's for this masterpiece.
I showed it to
my old art teacher and she asked me to accept her as a
disciple.
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Please... For the love of God, please... Never paint anything that
you took a
picture of in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I've made a small
fortune by showing people
this painting, and then offering to let them
elbow me in the stomach for 5 dollars.
Fixing this up took a bit of work. Yes, I know... It's hard to
believe I was capable
of creating something so truly inspirational.
You may have noticed, I used some
crosshatching on the edge of the
blue vest. I'm very proud of that.
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You know how sometimes when you're in the shower, and you accidentally
empty the entire bottle of soap in your eyes and spend hours trying
to scrub it
out with paper towels? That's exactly how my eyes felt
when I was done looking
at this. I almost decided to pretend this
wasn't a painting of mine, but my name
was already on it. I'm sure
I'll be kicking myself in the jaw later for signing it.
I always enjoyed those nature videos with the penguins that ate people
. I forget
what they're called. Emperor penguins or something. The
eyes were kind of
hard to get right, but I was satisfied with the
results. I went for more of a sharp
look with this one. A lot of
layering. Worth the results though.
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I guess it's no longer a mystery as to where my tube of black paint
went.
When I saw how dark this painting was, I thought it a perfect
opportunity for
representing a defiance to common stereotypes.
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I'm going to take them to a gallery this Saturday. They rejected all
of my
stuff before, but now that I fixed them up I'll be able to make
a fortune. And
if that doesn't work, I'll just cut my ear off and
kill myself so that my
paintings will be worth something and I'll be
famous.
